I felt as though I was supposed to write something to you today.
I don't know how to start this, other than to say that the pattern continues. We have talked
about this in part before, but truthfully, I am still unsure as to why this seems to be happening to me
and me only. I seem to be the only one in the group encountering heavy resistance in almost every single
thing that I do. Whether I am trying to send an e-mail, transfer a file into the site, or work thru
a 23 hour workday, I continually encounter resistance. The resistance manifests in the form of heaviness,
sleepiness, difficulty concentrating and focusing on what I am trying to do, a sudden desire not to want to
do whatever I am trying to do, and in the form of numerous distractions and temptations just to name a few.
No matter the form, the resistance always seems to come. I am not sending this to you to cry about it, this
is how things are (for whatever reason) and crying about it won't change that. However, the only thing
that I can say is that the only way that I can seem to fight these constant attacks off is by staying
focused, totally focused, on what I am supposed to be doing. I am able to recognize the joy of the LORD,
but when I go along with it, and am happy and cheery, my ability to fight through the resistance seems to drop off
and I get shut down shortly thereafter. Instead, when I fight off the happiness and wallow in the frustration
and anger that is still inside me because of how much I dislike, deplore, hate much of my situation, it helps
me to stay focused, work harder and fight thru the attacks. I know that it sounds crazy, but I work better
when I am mad and frustrated because I essentially discard much of my concerns for anybody or anything
else making it easier to focus on work. The obvious downside is that I am not very pleasant to be
around when I am in this frame of mind and my temper flares up very, very easily. This, however, keeps
me on edge and right now, I am more concerned with getting done with what I am supposed to be getting
down, forget about being bubbly and happy.
...So that is pretty much it. In the process of writing this I talked to Cory
for about an hour and shared with him details about the big hurdle I had to jump last week and many other
things. Even from doing that, I can feel that my focus and intensity has dropped off quite a bit and
much of my frustration has diminished. I have known for sometime that when I open up and talk to you,
Cory, or anybody about my situation, the level of frustration and anger diminishes, making it harder to use
as motivation, and this is another reason why I tend to clam up and not talk during our meetings or
communicate personal stuff to Cory on the phone or thru e-mail. I don't know why I was supposed to write
all of this; maybe it will serve some purpose.